The Meaning of Life

I often wonder about my life, I know here we go with the “What is the meaning of life,” crap.  But I sometimes wonder why I feel the way I do toward certain things.  I feel sometimes as though I have no emotion towards certain events in my life.  I see people all around me, expressing how they feel or think about things in their life that are happening and how they express themselves to those they love so freely.  I suppose at times I feel detached from life itself, as though in some circumstances I need to try really hard to be involved instead of it feeling natural. 

This for me is reminiscent of family get-together’s. I feel that I need to make a conscious effort to be a part of things and not to just sit on the sidelines where I really want to be.  I feel as though I am not what I should be; confusing, right.  Well, I don’t know how to fully explain this other than I feel as though I am holding back on everything.  That the “Real” Tina has never really made an actual appearance, that sometime, long ago I apparently made a decision to shut down and put on a happy face for the world to see.  As long as I kept up this façade, I felt as though I would never get hurt.  How I came about feeling this way, as I said before, I don’t remember.

Even though I am afraid of what the answer is to the reason behind my particular personality type scares me, it is the not being a part of life that scares me more.  Because I feel as though I am not truly experiencing this life and since I am in my early forties, it is making it all the more troubling for me.  Because If I am unable to enjoy this life, when this life is over, I will have ended it with so many regrets of things that I should have done.  I want to be able to express my complete happiness and openness with those I love.  I do not want to feel so shut down all the time.  Because there are moments in which I truly feel happy, and I want to be able to feel like that more.  I want to be able to sing, dance and just be “Normal” and not worry about the fear of letting go.  I just want to live my life.