Life in General

Generally speaking I am not a person that has many friends, or is even close to other individuals.  Even those that could be considered my friends, I really am not all that close to in the respect of sharing what would be considered “The true me.”  So to just share my life in casual conversation is not practical, or really all that safe for me since I have never really shared my complete life with anyone.  I can honestly say that there is not one single, solitary person out there that has the complete story of “ME”. 

Since I have never been my true self with anyone, I have always had my guard up in every situation.  Yes, that does take a toll to be in a constant “Red Alert” state. I think I always felt, subconsciously anyway, that with all my problems in the past that I have had, that if I let people see the real me they wouldn’t like or respect me. They would look at me with pity or shame or think of me as “ruined”. That may seem like an odd choice of words to use, but in my particular background, that’s how I truly looked at myself.  As being “ruined”. 

I am not exactly sure of the origin of these feelings, I just always felt this way for as long as I can remember.  I always felt as though I were less than everyone else around me.  That if everyone “knew”, then they wouldn’t like me and I would lose everyone.  Now whatever the “knew” thing had been, to this date I am puzzled by as to what this would have been.  It is quite possible that by the time I am done writing this it will come to light.  Because I suppose that may be my ultimate intention in this writing, hoping that if I stir things up enough something will break lose.  Hopefully it won’t be likened to that of a hornets nest and I ultimately wind up getting bit in the ass.